If you hate the United States of America and all that it stands for, there is a very good chance you aren’t particularly interested in watching the Super Bowl Sunday.
If this is you, there’s also a very good chance you are going to be forced to watch the Super Bowl against your will. Short of leaving the country and going to one of those countries that hates America (say, Canada, for instance) and the Super Bowl, it’s going to be pretty tough to avoid the big game.
Face it, Super Bowl Sunday has become something of a national holiday — not quite at the level of Christmas or Easter — but probably well ahead of Arbor Day. Even people who aren’t particularly big football fans will be hosting Super Bowl parties or going to Super Bowl parties. Assuming you don’t want to look like a fool come Monday, you are going to at least need to have a vague idea of what happened during the game. If you don’t you’ll probably be ostracized at your place of employment or, quite possibly, within your own family.
There is, however, some good news.
While the game itself may bore you to tears — and let’s face it, most Super Bowls do — there are things you can do to entertain yourself during the game long enough to get a working knowledge of what happened and not look foolish when you return to society on Monday.
For you, the non-Super Bowl fan who is being forced to go to a Super Bowl party or watch the game within your own household, here are a few helpful hints for keeping yourself entertained during the big game:
• Take a “prop bet:” While you may not particularly love football or the Super Bowl, the good folks in Las Vegas most certainly do. As such, there are any number of things you can bet on during the Super Bowl — many of which have nothing at all to do with the game itself. These are called “prop bets.” While you may have no earthly idea who is going to win the game (helpful hint: the Denver Broncos are playing the Seattle Seahawks), this doesn’t limit your opportunities to bet on the game. For instance, you can actually bet on which team is going to win the coin toss. You can bet on how long the “National Anthem” will last. You can even bet on whether Renee Flemming will wear gloves during the anthem. Heck, you can even bet on which halftime artist will perform first — Bruno Mars or the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Just because you aren’t betting on the game doesn’t mean you can’t feed your budding gambling addiction.
• Play “Coach Commando:” If you are at a big Super Bowl party and really want to have some fun, wait until no one is paying attention and take the television remote control. Switch channels to something no one wants to watch — at a Super Bowl party, HGTV is usually a safe bet — and then hide the remote. Watch in delight as people stand 5 feet away from the actual television and have an emotional breakdown because they can’t find the remote to change the channel. Wait maybe 10 or 15 minutes — hopefully one team will have scored in dramatic fashion in that time frame — and then reveal that you’ve been hiding the remote all along. This will certainly make you a big hit at the party.
• Play “Super Bowl Bingo:” This one will require a little pre-planning. Make out bingo cards before the game, then keep track of how many times certain words or phrases are used during the television broadcast. You could have a square for every time Peyton Manning says, “Omaha!”; how many times the announcers mention that Seahawks’ cornerback Richard Sherman is from Compton; or how many times Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson’s height is mentioned. When your card is filled, be sure to yell, “Bingo!” just as loud as you possibly can. This, too, will make you extremely popular at the party.
Of course, if none of these ideas work for you, you can always just pay really close attention to the commercials — if the game is a blowout, that’s all anybody will be talking about Monday morning anyhow.
Troy’s very own David Fong appears on Thursdays in the Troy Daily News