Well folks, we are two weeks into the New Year.
How are those resolutions turning out so far?
From the crowded gym parking lots, it looks like everybody and their brother has resolved to eat a little healthier and move a little more.
Everyone resolves to eat healthier this time of year. Everyone except me. Cauliflower pizza crust is not pizza crust, people! Kale has had its time in the lime light. In fact, lime would definitely make kale taste better. Kale is just gross.
While I’m at it, I’ll try not to eat more Brussels sprouts, chia seeds or quinoa. I will eat more bacon though. That I can do. Oh, and floppy bacon, none of that crisp, burned shards of meat for me.
Last week, I dragged myself to the gym. I’ve had a membership for several months and I love going. Except during New Year season.
So, setting the bar low, I have tried to get there at least two times a week but even that is tough.
The other day, the parking lot was so full that I just kept on driving — right to the drive-through of a Frisch’s Big Boy.
Wait, wait. There was a slice of method to my madness.
You see, since everyone is hitting the gym, no one is eating all these delicious burgers and onion rings.
Someone has to keep these people in business. What about that onion farmer in California? The whole eating healthy movement could throw the onion industry off if someone doesn’t eat these delicious deep fried onion rings while everybody is eating clean.
You are welcome, California onion farmer.
Anyhow, since the gym is packed, I might as well capitalize on bulking up on carbs smothered in tartar sauce while everyone is tossing their bread in the trash. If fact, the last time I went to the gym, I only tagged along because I was promised pizza.
No joke. I did my 45 minutes on the bike and headed straight to deluxe with banana peppers heaven. Didn’t even wait to get home, I ate it straight out the box.
This diet stuff makes you do crazy things for carbs.
Another popular resolution is to spend less and save more. I try to be as frugal as possible, which is easy when you are in this line of work because it’s a necessity. I cannot however give up my name-brand laundry detergent. Do not make me. I won’t do it. Dave Ramsey, don’t touch my Tide.
Lately it’s been easy to save money since I’ve lost my bank card. In fact, I cancelled it and didn’t bother to order a new one. Now I use cash for nearly everything. It feels so weird having paper money. Like, you have to wait for people to make change. That’s entertaining in and of itself, people!
Some people like to resolve to travel more. Well for me, I’ve been traveling to the magical world of Sidney purely because I like their Aldi and Kroger better than the ones in my homeland. I love cruising through these grocery stores among complete strangers. I don’t know them, they don’t know me. People stare and try to figure out what I’m doing in their village, but don’t say anything. It’s so fun!
The country drive through rural Shelby County is relaxing as well. It’s just a few extra minutes for a change of scenery. Try it sometime.
All in all, resolutions are supposed to be realistic and attainable. While I’ve set the bar low this year, any progress is progress no matter what you’d like to change from last year.
Now, who wants bacon?
“Twin” Melanie Yingst appears weekly in the Troy Daily News. If you can assault someone with a slice of bacon, it’s over done.
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