Tomorrow we will see the inauguration of the Donald Trump as President of the United States of America and, if his Twitter account is to be believed (And really, why shouldn’t it?), it is going to bigly awesome! A grandiose spectacle that must be seen to be believed! There will be all the greatest performers in the world! The best singers! The best actors! And, apparently, lots of exclamation points!
All of which is fine for our incoming president. I have spent the past few days thinking about my own inauguration if I ever were to be elected president (and, if the 2016 election taught us anything, it’s that we really can’t rule anything out, can we)? What A-list celebrities would I invite?
I’ve never really been a glitz and glamour, Hollywood sort of guy. I think if I were elected president (and again, let’s not rule anything out at this point), my inauguration would include:
Marching bands. Every good presidential inauguration needs to have marching bands. I, of course, would only need two marching bands — the Troy High School marching band and The Ohio State University marching band. Those are my two favorite marching bands and they could play the Troy and Ohio State fight songs and alma maters. I wouldn’t need much more than that.
Heck, I wouldn’t even ask the Troy marching band to bring along any strawberry donuts. They could just come and play “Onward Troy” and I’d be perfectly content.
Which isn’t to say there wouldn’t be food at my inauguration, of course. I’m a simple man (in case you hadn’t noticed) with pretty simple tastes, so I think I would turn the catering duties for my inauguration over to the good folks at White Castle and La Bambas, the burrito joint on High Street in Columbus at which I ate at least three times a week in college. Now the La Bambas on High Street isn’t there anymore, but I’d track down the original owners and operators to help cater my inauguration.
I mean, I’d be the president at that point. I could use the Secret Service to help track them down. Because I’m the president and I say so.
Anyway, with all of that delicious food being served at the inauguration, my guests would probably need something with which to wash it down, right? There wouldn’t be any champagne or fancy wines served at my inauguration, but anyone looking for an adult beverage would be able to choose between Jack Daniels and Old Milwaukee.
Because, you know, I like to keep things classy whenever I can.
Anyway, I would need some celebrities at my inauguration, of course. Hopefully the celebrities I invite would say yes … seems as though that’s been kind of a problem for the current president-elect.
I’d start, of course, with professional wrestler Ric Flair. In fact, I’d probably invite a whole bunch of professional wrestlers and have a ring set up in the middle of the White House Rose Garden with matches to entertain the guests going on throughout the evening. In case you hadn’t guessed by now, I plan on having a fairly unconventional type of inauguration.
Of course I’d also invite the Troy Pop Rocks jump rope team to perform. And the fact my kid is on the team would have everything to do with it. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a little nepotism in the White House, right?
I’d also have Danielle Fishel, who played Topanga on “Boy Meets World” there, as well. I’m not exactly sure what role she’d have in the proceedings, but she’s pretty much also been my biggest celebrity crush, so I figure I’d probably want her around in some capacity. How often is it you get elected president, anyway?
I’d probably invite magician David Copperfield, mostly because I’ve always liked really cool magic tricks. Maybe he could saw Danielle Fishel in half … you know, to give her something to do.
Finally, I’d need a big musical act to headline the night. I’ve put a lot of thought into this, and have settled on the greatest living musical performer our country has to offer. I’d want the biggest and the best. I need someone larger than life (literally and figuratively). I need a singer who is going to give this country a show they’ll never forget.
Truthfully, there’s only one option.
No, seriously. For as long as I can remember, Meat Loaf has been my favorite musical act (and, truthfully, one of my favorite foods). When he goes into his 8-minute version of “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” it’s like he’s reaching into my face and pulling out my soul. It’s truly one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard.
And besides, if Meat Loaf decides he doesn’t want to play my inauguration — which seems to be kind of a trend these days — when he turns me down, maybe he’d day, “I would do anything for love … but I won’t do that.”
Troy’s very own David Fong appears on Thursdays in the Troy Daily News. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org; follow him on Twitter @thefong