The year 2016 has been gone for nearly a month now, but there still seems to be a lot of people kicking dirt on its grave.
Sure, just about every celebrity who ever meant anything to anyone died (except for Betty White and Ric Flair, thankfully) and we had the most contentious election since … well, ever, but it wasn’t all bad, was it?
Truthfully, it’s all a matter of perspective. You’ve just got to look at things in a different way. Sure, the fact may say 2016 was a bad year, but we don’t have to deal with facts anymore. See, there’s this new thing you may have heard of called “alternative facts.” See, alternative facts allow us to take things that could be considered bad news and turn them into good news! And everyone loves good news! Good news is good! Alternative facts are good! So are exclamation points!
Let’s take a look at some of the big things that happened in Miami County in 2016, but rather than use actual facts, let’s use “alternative facts.”
The biggest news in Miami County in 2016, of course, was the annual Strawberry Festival. It was the biggest Strawberry Festival in the history of Strawberry Festivals. It was a bigly festival. It was amazing. According to the official alternative numbers provided, there were 5 million people who visited Troy for the festival. That’s really an incredible number, folks. And those 5 million people ate 20 million dozen strawberry donuts prepared by the Troy marching band.
Let me tell you, there were so many donuts purchased at last year’s Strawberry Festival that the Troy band won’t be going to London next year, but rather we are bringing London here. All of it. The entire city. We are literally having the city of London boxed up and shipped here to Troy. It’s ours now. We own it.
Of course, the Strawberry Festival wasn’t the only big event to happen in Miami County this year. We had huge events. So many events you can’t hardly keep track of them. We had the Miami County Fair for instance. Last year’s Miami County Fair was the best ever. It was beautiful. Everyone loved it. At the sale of champions, the reserve grand champion triceratops was sold for $10 million. Everyone cheered. Everyone loved it.
Oh, you didn’t hear about the dinosaurs? That’s right. We brought back dinosaurs. The biology classes at Miami East High School genetically engineered them and are now raising them on their farms. Oh, it’s amazing what they are doing out there. We now lead the world in dinosaur engineering. You’ll love it. Everyone will love it.
It was a big year for sports in Miami County, too. Congratulations to the Troy High School mixed martial arts team on winning its 30th state championship in a row! Most people said you couldn’t do it again, but you did it again. There are always people out there doubting. Those people never want to give you credit. You’ve got to silence the doubters. We’ve got the best high school cage fighters in the world. We’ve got the biggest, the fastest and the strongest cage fighters. All the best high school cage fighters go to Troy High School.
As good as 2016 was, however, my alternative sources tell me 2017 could be even bigger. Bigly bigger, as a matter of fact. For starters, there are all the exciting construction programs going on in Troy. Did you hear we are adding a second dome to the Miami County Courthouse? That’s right, a second dome! It’s going to be amazing. Nobody can do courthouse domes like we do courthouse domes.
The news I’m most excited about for 2017, however, is the fact Elvis Presley is going to be performing at Hobart Arena. On Nov. 24 of this year, the anniversary of Elvis’ first performance at Hobart Arena in 1956, the “King” is going to make his triumphant return to Hobart.
Wait … you didn’t know Elvis was still alive? Yeah, it turns out he didn’t really die. They found him working at a Subaru dealership in Truth or Consequences, N.M. Turns out he’s in shape, his voice sounds great and he’s ready to perform again.
I don’t know about you, but I’m excited for all of the big things happening in Miami County this year. It’s really just a matter of keeping everything in perspective.
An alternative perspective.
Troy’s very own David Fong appears on Thursdays in the Troy Daily News. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org; follow him on Twitter @thefong