The fact you are reading this column means I did not win the $1.6 billion Mega Millions jackpot last week.
I’m kidding, of course. I can honestly say this is my dream job and no amount of money would ever make me walk away from doing this. I plan on doing this job until I drop dead. And then they can bury me under the grass at Troy Memorial Stadium.
That doesn’t mean, however, my life wouldn’t change in other ways if I ever were to win $1.6 billion or some other commensurate sum of money. These would mostly be small, modest lifestyle changes that most people who know me likely wouldn’t even notice.
For starters, I’d probably get a new house, not necessarily because I would feel the need to move into some sort of mega-mansion, but mostly because moving into a new house would mean I wouldn’t have to clean my current house. At this point, that just seems like the more reasonable option.
Of course, I wouldn’t want to move into just any house. I’d want my house to be an almost-exact replica of the “Brady Bunch” house. Many of my happiest memories of childhood involve sitting in front of the television, watching the Brady kids come running down the staircase when Mike or Carol Brady called their names. I’d even want Astroturf in the backyard, just like the Brady family. About the only difference I could think of between my dream house and the Brady Bunch house is that I’d actually want toilets in my house. (No, seriously, go back and watch an episode … there are no toilets in the Brady house).
I imagine I’d want to splurge on a new vehicle for myself, as well. I wouldn’t want anything too fancy, of course. I’d be perfectly happy with the General Lee, the car used on “The Dukes of Hazzard.” I’d probably also want a “beater” car for getting around town when I didn’t want to bring out The General. For this, I’d like a “Bigfoot” monster truck.
And while we are talking about transportation, I’d probably also want a helicopter. I mean, my kid goes to Heywood Elementary School and I have pretty much accepted the fact that McKaig Road is always going to be under some sort of state of construction for the rest of my life. I figure taking him to school in a helicopter would be pretty much the only way to avoid the ceaseless McKaig Road closures.
I imagine if I had that much money, my wardrobe would probably change pretty significantly. In fact, it would probably double. This would mean buying a second pair of jeans and a second red hoodie.
If I had $1.6 billion, I could finally afford all of the finer things in life. No expense would be spared in making sure I feasted upon all the best foods the world had to offer. That’s why I would have a White Castle franchise built right next door to my Brady Bunch house. I’d be able to have sliders all day, every day!
I suppose if I was going to be eating a diet consisting largely of fast food burgers and french fries, I’d probably also want to make sure I exercised in order to maintain my already-amazing physique. In order to do this, I’d probably want to hire a personal trainer. I think former professional wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin would be just the sort of motivating source I would need to get to the gym every day.
Once I had all of life’s basic necessities taken care of, I’m honestly not sure what I’d do with the rest of that money. I am, after all, a pretty simple guy with pretty simple tastes. I’d give a bunch to charity, of course, but I’d probably end up blowing the rest on Moon Pies and penny whistles.
I do mean it when I say I’d keep my job here at the Troy Daily News. I might make a few slight modifications, however. Mostly I’d build a new pressbox at Troy Memorial Stadium. I’m thinking something a little more spacious with better lighting and better temperature control. After that, I think I’d be a happy man.
And I’d be the same old guy you’ve always known.
Oh, and I’d put a dome atop Troy Memorial Stadium.
Troy’s very own David Fong appears on Thursdays in the Troy Daily News. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org; follow him on Twitter @thefong